I both simultaneously love and hate existing. Life is love and hate, all the time, from one moment to the next. Existential meaning is at the forefront of my thoughts, unless I can distract myself.

I sometimes have a very hard time coming up with a good reason as to why I should do anything.

When I was younger I thought I needed to impress people to get by. I don’t care about that anymore. I once thought that maybe sharing my creations with the world would give me meaning, but I don’t know if I actually believe that. I use to think the world might care what I had to say, but I don’t really believe that anymore, or maybe some would, if I had enough energy to keep speaking to them, which I don’t.

I get in these moods where I don’t feel good. I feel on-edge. I feel like there is something I need to do, but can’t, or something I need to remember but don’t, or something I need to manage, but cannot wrap my head around.

There is no logic involved in these moods. It is pure emotion. I can tell myself a million different ways that I am just being “stressed”, or “depressed”, that what I am worrying about has the smallest real-life chance of actually happening, but no reason works.

When it really comes down to it, the general feeling is that I don’t FEEL like I have enough energy to do what I need to do, when I’m supposed to do it.

The things I tell myself I should do end up being a slog, where I am always waiting for the end, and never enjoying the moment.

Every given day without fail, for some period of time, I question what the hell I’m even doing here. It is a very exhausting and frustrating loop to be stuck-in.